Imperial Scenario 77 and Ending
1. Beginning of the final Scenario in this branch, 77: “Within the Castle walls, / missions, emotions and ideals / will clash on the battlefield.” I’m not sure, but it looks like there are two locations for the action in this sentence. Argh, I can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe just moving the first sentence fragment to the end would make it better (missions … / will clash … / within …).
2. Still at the beginning: “After this final battle, the / fate of El Sallia will lie in / the hands of the victor.” Again, I can’t quite explain what’s wrong with this one, but the spider-sense is definitely tingling (no, haven’t seen Spidey 3). And a re-ordreing of the lines might be in order here, too: “The fate of El Sallia will / lie in the hands of the victor / of this final battle.”
3. A commander’s death quote: “I can’t die … / My kingdom.” Change my to the. “My” sounds as if he thinks he’s the king.
4. Egbert, at the end, rhetorically speaking: “Please rest in peace and leave this world to our hands.” To our hands? I’d go with “in.”
5. Erwin has fantasies about the twins (*cough* stop projecting *cough*): “Now, you’ll be / coming with me.” Comma not needed.
Ending cut-scene.
6. Egbert: “After uniting the continent, / we can seal the Dark Blade / so such a catastrophe never / happens again.” What catastrophe? The birth of the Empire? I suggest: ” … we can seal Alhazard / so the Darkness never / rises again.” Not very good, I know.
7. Erwin: “I will to work to benefit / the continent, and to ensure / this era remains free of war.” Cut the first “to.”
8. Rohga says he’s leaving, Hein tells him he’s welcome to come back if he feels like it. Rohga replies: “But, if I do change my mind, / I might show up to make your / life miserable for a while!” The “but” is not needed, unless there’s an ending where Hein doesn’t interrupt. Also, life -> lives, as Rohga is talking to both Hein and Erwin.
9. Two commanders in a port town say nearly identical, consecutive lines. To wit:
“Disperse and strike! / If we beat these guys, / this port will be ours!”
“Get them! / If we can get past these guys, / all the booty will be ours!”
I’d say change the second one to: “Get them! / They’re the only thing that’s / keeping us from the booty!” Or something.
10. Leon: “If you fools who are looking for a swift end, then by all means, keep fighting!” Delete the “who.”
11. Erwin’s epilogue: “With both great Langrisser / and the dreaded Alhazard, / the Empire was invincible.” Is it “the” great Langrisser?
12. Hein’s epilogue: “One can scarcely imagine / how powerful he has become.” Has become, or had become? Is Hein still alive?
13. Now I’m being REALLY picky. Rohga’s epilogue:
Grief-stricken, Rohga parted with Erwin and allies for his own reasons and left on a journey to the world's edge.
Move for to the previous line. 
14. Imelda’s epilogue: “Despite her beautiful and showy / appearance, the General’s / cold and merciless nature held / her command over her division.” Held her command? I truly don’t know what this sentence is trying to get across.
15. Vargas’ epilogue:
Due to his heroic use of his own body as a shield to protect his comrades, nobody had died except for himself ...
Worded funny, don’t you think? Also, “nobody had died” is probably wrong. How about:
Vargas heroically used his own body as a shield to protect his comrades, saving everyone's lives except his own ...
Das Ende!
June 5th, 2007 at 8:29 am
1. How about,
2. It could be a dangling modifier, but I kind of like the sound of the current sentence.
9. Will do lives, but I would prefer to keep the but. I see it as a more natural way of countering his “I can’t promise anything.” Not necessary, but it sounds like what you would say, and Rohga is … less cordial.
12. Yes … but you don’t know that until another game
14. How about:
June 5th, 2007 at 11:12 am
Cool
June 5th, 2007 at 12:47 pm
1. missions comma emotions comma, I believe. (mla4life)
5. The comma seems like a momentary verbal pause to me, rather than a grammatical one. I say keep it.
6. sounds like a tense shift to me, even though it probably isn’t, in either form. The way it’s phrased in the game, you have “After” (expressing potentiality)…”can seal” (potentiality again)…”happens” (present). Perhaps “so such a catastrophe shall never happen/come to be/come to pass again”.
7. consider “to the benefit of the continent”
8. “but” == “however” here, so you it’s not needed, but it can be useful
11. I would actually use “[the] awesome Langrisser” here as an antonym to “dreaded”…but the vast majority of players would not be familiar with its “classic” (read: now archaic) meaning, “worthy of awe” — so it would just be confusing. it does kinda need a “the”, though.
13. reasons comma
14. it means “held sway [over]” in this case. as in “reinforced [her] command”