Imperial 12 (41) - Sad Pursuit
Brace yourselves, ’tis a long one.
1. At the end of the Intro:
The Descendants of Light, declaring total war on the Empire, are about to clash again.
This sounds as if the Descendants were about to clash with each other, which is not entirely wrong; but still, Erwin pretty much stops being a Descendant when he chooses the Empire. Consider:
... are about to clash with Erwin and company again.
2. Beginning the scenario, Jessica:
Well, the Empire is finally awake.
Is this supposed to be metaphorical? How about:
Well, the Imperial beast is now fully awake?
3. Hein:
If we retrieve the sword, / everyone will soon / be at peace, right?
They have the sword already. Maybe he means “if the Empire takes hold of the sword …?”
4. A commander, upon death:
Langrisser, Langrisser / can really do that ...?
The break is kind of odd. Consider:
Langrisser ... / Langrisser can really / do that ...?
5. Keith has a really long speech that doesn’t sound right:
Don't rely on those swords / to bring that "peace" / you keep referring to.
You may not plan / to stir things up ...
But those weapons were / forged for war, and they'll / bring it to you ... for as long / as they rest on this continent.
It’s a cool speech, but in this scenario the Descendants mostly talk to themselves; or if they talk to Erwin, they use a much different tone than this. It probably needs a retranslation :(. But here’s a suggestion anyway:
You can't rely on those swords to bring that "peace" you keep referring to, Erwin.
You may not plan to stir things up, but those weapons were made for war!
And war is what they'll bring to you ... for as long as they rest on this continent.
6. Liana also has a long speech. It’s also slightly fucked up:
Why are we against / one another ...
When we know the / same hatred for war?
That I don't know ... / I won't, however, overlook / Alhazard. It poses a grave / threat to us all.
It’s broken up funny, like Keith’s. My suggestion:
If we share the same hatred for war ...
... then why must we battle each other? Why ...?
Alas, the threat Alhazard poses to us all cannot be overlooked.
7. When Keith finally attacks:
Seal off the Imperial Capital!
Just sounds odd; they’re in a field, and they can’t seal a city by attacking me. Perhaps:
Do not let them get to the Imperial Capital!
Or:
Block their path to the Imperial Capital!
8. Erwin and Cherie have a little chat about how he doesn’t want to kill her and how she can’t let Erwin continue in his path. Erwin concludes:
We accept your decision. / Prepare yourself, Cherie.
Maybe the plural is sort of common in Japanese, but here I think the singular would fit better:
I accept your decision.
Et cetera.
9. Cherie has been beaten and says:
We couldn't do it! / Remember this day, Erwin!
Remember this day?
10. Liana has another little speech before taking her first direct action in the battle, and ends it with:
No, there's more / to it then that.
Use “than.”
11. When Jessica kicks the bucket:
Aah ... / What am I ... now ...?
It’s just weird. I don’t get it.
12. Liana confronts Erwin:
Remove all doubt. / From now on, ... / we will meet as enemies.
I understand the intention, but I’m not sure I like the “remove.” How about “cast/wipe away?” Or:
Let there be no doubt.
13. At the end of the scenario, the whole company has a little chat (before getting to Bernhardt), and Leon says:
With Rayguard comes order, / with order comes peace. / You refuse to see this ...
You -> They.
14. Bernhardt:
I understand you were / a major factor in the / fulfilment of this mission.
Fulfillment is misspelled. It has double L after I.
15. Erwin simply says goodbye to the Emperor in the following manner:
Just leave it to me.
Maybe end with “your Majesty?”
16. Bernhardt to Egbert:
Remember, we strike to / end future, as well / as present, resistance.
Don’t like the second and third commas. It’s also worded funny. How about:
Remember, we aim to / quell all resistance, / present and future.
Finally, I checked all special tiles. No problems there. Fantastic scenario.
May 26th, 2007 at 1:16 pm
Can you give me a reference on fulfilment? I was under the impression that was UK spelling.
May 26th, 2007 at 6:22 pm
Damn, you’re absolutely right.
May 28th, 2007 at 4:07 am
on the same scenario, when liana is the only enemy left she said “everyone else has turned tail and fled.” she is talking about her friends, will it be better to use ” everyone else has been defeated”?
May 28th, 2007 at 11:26 am
jsuk, I agree with you. I must have missed it during play. “Turn tail” sounds kind of harsh coming from Liana. May I add my own suggestion? “Everyone else has had to retreat.”